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Don’t Panic Over Chinese Milk: Civil Servant
Posted on Monday, September 22, 2008Topic: Local News
by K.K. Cheow

A civil servant has come forward to ask all Singaporeans not to panic over tainted Chinese milk.

Said Ministry of Elitism spokesman Mr. Louie Chin Ooh Lui, “Citizens should not be unduly concerned about toxic Chinese milk. There are many healthy alternatives in the market today.”

Mr. Chin, who used to pen a column for TalkingCock.com, was referring to the current scandal over Chinese dairy products found to be contaminated with melamine, an industrial product that can cause kidney problems and even death. This has been found to include not just regular milk, but yogurt, biscuits and even the popular White Rabbit brand of candy.

“But people should relax. The government has this under control,” said Mr. Chin. “Just switch to something safer. You don’t have to drink Chinese milk.”

For example, Mr. Chin said that there are ample supplies of milk from other countries. He dismissed any complaints about the difference in cost.

“So if you can’t afford imported milk, drink local milk,” he advised.

“Like breast milk,” he added, “I still do. Every day.”

As the jaws of the gathered journalists dropped collectively, Mr. Chin smiled and explained. “Oh, of course not from my mummy! I’ve never tasted her milk. I wasn’t allowed to. Her tits are pumped with so much silicone, she’s just as toxic as these Chinese cows. No, my daddy hired a wet nurse for me when I was born, from some kampung in Bedok or wherever.”

A misty look crossed Mr. Chin’s eyes, as he continued. “Dear old Ah Nai! Of course, nowadays, she doesn’t have to carry me up to suckle her breasts anymore. I mean, the wrinkly sacks hang down to her bloody knees now. So she just heaves them up and gives me a squirt in my morning coffee, that’s all.”

Mr. Chin encouraged everyone in the room to try breast milk as an alternative. “Sure, the taste of breast milk takes a little getting used to, but it does come in 100% organic packaging. It’s very eco-friendly.”

Mr. Chin also suggested other alternatives to milk. “You can also try the beverage of choice of many of us in the public service - blood.”

“Mm, blood,” said Mr. Chin licking his incisors. “Freshly sucked from the veins of a citizen. You can’t beat it.”

When a reporter expressed squeamishness at Mr. Chin’s suggestions, he shook his head contemptuously. “What’s your problem? You peasants swallow whatever crap we put out anyway!”

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